Let's talk friendship, shall we?

There has been a nonstop whirl of buzzing in my head lately.

With the warmer weather, I tend to need to be outside, ya know, to get that sunshine in my soul. So I'll load up Henry, put on a country station or Pandora, and just roll the windows down and THINK.

Think about memories.

Think about my life.

Think about improvements.

Think about struggles. 

Think. Think. Think.

All I've been doing since Monday is reflecting and being in deep thought; I must say I am emotionally drained and have quite the headache.

I don't know where to start on how to fill you in on all that I'm thinking, nor do you have the time or probably care haha! I'm just at this place in life where I keep questioning, "What's next?"

Where's my next friend?

Where's my next opportunity?

Where's my next goal?

Where's the Lord's path for me?

Where's life going to take me next?

I find myself thinking up past times and emotions, as well as people; I also find myself uncertain of the future. Why am I not just being in the moment and thinking about the NOW? I've always been that way. The plus side is I'm always planning and thinking ahead, but yet, the con is that I'm so busy maneuvering life around what's ahead that I'm skipping over the present. 

I've really been praying about a raw void in my heart. A longing, unanswered prayer that I'm faithfully holding onto. I've asked the Lord to reveal to me a true friend/friends. Since moving to Boise, I had one friend I really reached out to, put my walls down, and let in. I had opened up to her, and was starting to get to know her very well. I was always extending myself to her, and doing anything helpful I could for her. We even went on a week-long road trip together. But she later on revealed a very dark, selfish, judgmental side which eventually broke my heart, and we parted ways. I didn't know whether that was who she was all along, or if she had just changed, but it hurt. Since then, and with life as the parent of a newborn under my belt, I was content with keeping to myself and my new baby. He healed my heart, brought me more joy, and filled every wound from that. 

I also recently had a very close friend I had to let go of, and love from a distance. I've known her since birth. Thrown her first baby shower, her daughter called me Auntie. I went down to see her baby all the way from Boise. I was in her wedding line. This summer we had a fall out, and since then have had little to no communication. It makes my heart hurt. I used to think we were going to be those life-long girlfriends, the ones who sat around a kitchen table, and laughed and cried of old memories. But it was also a one-sided friendship, and those unfortunately have their days numbered, and slowly burn out :( I always listened to her, comforted her, laughed with her, shared her happiness, and shared her struggles. I knew her so very well. But yet years and years had been by, and she had been in and out of my life, choosing other friends over me, getting consumed with a boy, moving to American falls, but yet I was her constant. I just felt as if that door needed to be shut, and to be honest, it wasn't any different when it was. I was the one who had always been there for her when she needed me, but it was never returned. I still think of her every now and then and hope life is treating her well, but my heart is guarded, so I must love her from a distance. 

When Henry was three months old, I met a girl who's baby was 2 1/2 months younger than my son. She had just moved here with her new husband for his school, and knew little about the area and few people. We became very close. We had playdates, swapped babysitting, craft store runs, did Sunday walks as a family, pizza nights, went swimming, and Sonic ice cream trips. We had such a great time, and we were on such a relatable level being young new moms to newborn boys. Shortly after her husband graduated, they were informed he would be getting a job in Texas, and once again I was crushed. How could God direct them somewhere else after just giving me a friend?? Sure enough, the job was fully secured, and they were gone. We still talk, but having a friend in Texas is not ideal for the meetups and playdates anymore :(

I find myself questioning my ability as a friend, and missing old friendships. I miss the memories of them, because that's all I can miss. The people in those friendships have changed so much, or just dropped out of my life, most with no explanation, or reason I can think of at all. It hurts. I guess you can say I have an unrealistic expectation of a "friend" because I am that kind of friend and more, and most people aren't that in return.  I call. I send flowers. I invite. I encourage. I love. I uplift. I pray. Those things seem like all I know how to do for people. When it's not returned, I feel as if they don't care, when really I am quite possibly just going above expectation for them. 

I'm really not trying to self-praise by any means about how I am as a friend. I guess what I'm trying to comprehend is that I'm not sure on my ability to be a friend because very few are that kind of friend to me. I feel very rejected, and somewhat hurt that I don't have a friend to extend to me the way I do. 

I guess you could say I'm stuck. I'm in between not wanting to try at all and pursuing new friendships. I'm scared. What if they turn out poorly? What if they are temporary?

For the most part, I am a very positive person. I live off of fueling people with joy, and uplifting them. It's my passion. But I can honestly say right now that I am discouraged, and don't know where to go from here. I could really use some prayer. 

XOXO, Kess