UGLY.

Can I just be honest, a tad personal, and a little open with you lovelies?

I am not a perfect person by any means. I never want you to get that impression, or that you think I THINK that about myself. Because I DON'T and I absolutely AM not. I have so many flaws, and imperfections, physically, mentally, emotionally, by golly you could write a list. But can I share with you what flaw I dislike the most?? Bear with me. 

For the longest time I have had a deep, not so secret low self worth and insecurity in myself. In fact, my low self esteem is lifted when I lift up other's and their self esteem. I want so badly for people to feel loved, wonderful, and supported by me. I know I am not always the best at it, and there is room for growth in ways I can show it, but that is the ultimate goal in my life. To leave others better than the way I found them. 

I guess I've just come to a realization and quite a shock in how badly and how often I put myself down. Come to think of it, its shocking how many times I don't even realize I do it, and that its such a habit! For example, my husband compliments me looking beautiful, I without even thinking will tell him I'm not. My mother will compliment a craft I make, and will call to tell me to put them in the Art Walk for sale, I will immediately answer, "they're not THAT good, momma." In fact, my boss the other day sat with me and flat out told me I had become a strong waitress, and that she is proud of me. I chuckled and say, "Oh, no I'm not that great." 

Come to think of it, I am HORRIBLE at accepting compliments or praise, because quite honestly, I doubt those things about myself, and don't seem to think of myself that highly, so why would I think others think of me that highly?? It's a bad cycle that's spiraled over and over, and I'm just realizing with open eyes that I've gotten out of hand. I don't think I've realized how much I'm putting myself down lately, but it is driving me crazy. My thought process about myself lately is so self-destructive. How are others supposed to lift me up, if I'm my OWN worst critic? Doesn't lifting up others and not lifting up myself and treating myself nice seem hypocritical?

Another example I can think of happened pretty recently as well. Might as well share with you. 

Last weekend or so, my sister in law took some updated family photos in a beautiful orchard on the outskirts of Nampa, and I can remember pretty vividly being hard on myself before the photo shoot.

I had gotten the boys nice matching shirts, and after a long search for a dress to go with it, I opted out with coral pants and a nice blouse. I had curled my hair that day, and just as Anna was going to pick us  up for pictures I looked in the mirror. "My outfit is awful. I look awful. My hair isn't curled the way I wanted it. My makeup looks bad. The boys look cute. I look dumb." Immediately these negative critics popped in my head about myself, just in that split second I had tore myself apart left and right. A week later she posted the previews on Facebook, so Hank told me and we looked through the preview together. Every single photo he showed me, I had a negative thought about myself pop up in my head. 

"I have such a fat face. Why are my eyes so squinty? I'm NOT photogenic. I wish I was pretty like my sisters and friends. I need to work out again." WHY DIDN'T I JUST SEE A HAPPY MOM, A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY THAT I BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD, AND MY OWN LITTLE FAMILY IN A BEAUTIFUL ROW OF BLOOMING TREES for crying out loud?!?!

I know it will be a process. I will have days where I feel inadequate, or not good enough, or flat out ugly, inside and out. But I can't lift up others if I can't even lift up myself, or give others the best version of myself. Besides, I want to set a good example for my son, I want him to be able to love himself for who he is, to not talk down on himself, and to work on improving when needed. I want to show him self love, and to have confidence. Wish me luck on my self love journey, I'm gonna need it. 

XOXO, Kess