Let's talk friendship, shall we?

There has been a nonstop whirl of buzzing in my head lately.

With the warmer weather, I tend to need to be outside, ya know, to get that sunshine in my soul. So I'll load up Henry, put on a country station or Pandora, and just roll the windows down and THINK.

Think about memories.

Think about my life.

Think about improvements.

Think about struggles. 

Think. Think. Think.

All I've been doing since Monday is reflecting and being in deep thought; I must say I am emotionally drained and have quite the headache.

I don't know where to start on how to fill you in on all that I'm thinking, nor do you have the time or probably care haha! I'm just at this place in life where I keep questioning, "What's next?"

Where's my next friend?

Where's my next opportunity?

Where's my next goal?

Where's the Lord's path for me?

Where's life going to take me next?

I find myself thinking up past times and emotions, as well as people; I also find myself uncertain of the future. Why am I not just being in the moment and thinking about the NOW? I've always been that way. The plus side is I'm always planning and thinking ahead, but yet, the con is that I'm so busy maneuvering life around what's ahead that I'm skipping over the present. 

I've really been praying about a raw void in my heart. A longing, unanswered prayer that I'm faithfully holding onto. I've asked the Lord to reveal to me a true friend/friends. Since moving to Boise, I had one friend I really reached out to, put my walls down, and let in. I had opened up to her, and was starting to get to know her very well. I was always extending myself to her, and doing anything helpful I could for her. We even went on a week-long road trip together. But she later on revealed a very dark, selfish, judgmental side which eventually broke my heart, and we parted ways. I didn't know whether that was who she was all along, or if she had just changed, but it hurt. Since then, and with life as the parent of a newborn under my belt, I was content with keeping to myself and my new baby. He healed my heart, brought me more joy, and filled every wound from that. 

I also recently had a very close friend I had to let go of, and love from a distance. I've known her since birth. Thrown her first baby shower, her daughter called me Auntie. I went down to see her baby all the way from Boise. I was in her wedding line. This summer we had a fall out, and since then have had little to no communication. It makes my heart hurt. I used to think we were going to be those life-long girlfriends, the ones who sat around a kitchen table, and laughed and cried of old memories. But it was also a one-sided friendship, and those unfortunately have their days numbered, and slowly burn out :( I always listened to her, comforted her, laughed with her, shared her happiness, and shared her struggles. I knew her so very well. But yet years and years had been by, and she had been in and out of my life, choosing other friends over me, getting consumed with a boy, moving to American falls, but yet I was her constant. I just felt as if that door needed to be shut, and to be honest, it wasn't any different when it was. I was the one who had always been there for her when she needed me, but it was never returned. I still think of her every now and then and hope life is treating her well, but my heart is guarded, so I must love her from a distance. 

When Henry was three months old, I met a girl who's baby was 2 1/2 months younger than my son. She had just moved here with her new husband for his school, and knew little about the area and few people. We became very close. We had playdates, swapped babysitting, craft store runs, did Sunday walks as a family, pizza nights, went swimming, and Sonic ice cream trips. We had such a great time, and we were on such a relatable level being young new moms to newborn boys. Shortly after her husband graduated, they were informed he would be getting a job in Texas, and once again I was crushed. How could God direct them somewhere else after just giving me a friend?? Sure enough, the job was fully secured, and they were gone. We still talk, but having a friend in Texas is not ideal for the meetups and playdates anymore :(

I find myself questioning my ability as a friend, and missing old friendships. I miss the memories of them, because that's all I can miss. The people in those friendships have changed so much, or just dropped out of my life, most with no explanation, or reason I can think of at all. It hurts. I guess you can say I have an unrealistic expectation of a "friend" because I am that kind of friend and more, and most people aren't that in return.  I call. I send flowers. I invite. I encourage. I love. I uplift. I pray. Those things seem like all I know how to do for people. When it's not returned, I feel as if they don't care, when really I am quite possibly just going above expectation for them. 

I'm really not trying to self-praise by any means about how I am as a friend. I guess what I'm trying to comprehend is that I'm not sure on my ability to be a friend because very few are that kind of friend to me. I feel very rejected, and somewhat hurt that I don't have a friend to extend to me the way I do. 

I guess you could say I'm stuck. I'm in between not wanting to try at all and pursuing new friendships. I'm scared. What if they turn out poorly? What if they are temporary?

For the most part, I am a very positive person. I live off of fueling people with joy, and uplifting them. It's my passion. But I can honestly say right now that I am discouraged, and don't know where to go from here. I could really use some prayer. 

XOXO, Kess

LET THEM BE LITTLE.

Here's a visual for what things have been like at this household. If you have kids, maybe this isn't such a hard visual to imagine ;)

-Baskets of Laundry. and by baskets I mean the clean ones needed put away, the folded piles(and unfolded piles Henry has thrown on the floor) and the wrinkled ones I have neglected and "wrinkle tossed" a million bazillion times.
-The kitchen. Messy dishes, a gunky sticky highchair, fresh mopped floor(oh wait, the dogs just came in from having a hayday in the fresh wet mud) and no put down food or ideas for dinner.
-Henry had three baths yesterday, YES THREE. One from deciding to put smashed egg in his hair(oh and dropping whatever his hair didn't want to eat onto his doggies heads) Two from a wet diaper leak, and three, well quite frankly the third one was for Mama to have him contained while she got ready for the day haha.

I feel as if I bust and bust, tidying and "quick cleanups" all throughout the day, and by the time it's Henry's nap, I look around and have NOTHING to show for it. In fact, naptime is GO TIME to pick up once more.

Can you mamas relate??
Am I missing my special power given to us at the birth of our children??

(God, if so, we need to talk buddy...)

I LOVE BEING A MOTHER. I LOVE IT SO SO MUCH. I don't want this to seem like a complaint or a whining session. Actually I'm pointing it out to bring some humor to it for you, and perhaps shed some light on the familiar territory you might know as well :)

The past couple days, I've noticed Henry is a walking, and now CLIMBING MACHINE. He will try to scale just about anything. Rockclimber in the making?? He just might be. He loves to try to climb the front of his highchair, the dishwasher, his changing table, the dining chairs, heck, he even seemed to get that "lightbulb" ah-ha moment about climbing the TV entertainment center. As much as I sympathize with him, I can't help but think, "You've been taken off that thing a hundred times, and the last time you about bonked your head, why must you get back on it again? Don't you know??

The thing is, he doesn't.

I've had to teach myself to put my thoughts in HIS perspective. "Hey, I can walk now, and I'm getting pretty good at it. What's up in there? I bet I could reach it. I want to find out!"

Just as I am learning and growing as a mother, that boy is learning and developing himself too.

I feel as if the enemy LOVES attacking mother's hearts. I mean, why wouldn't he? Babies and motherhood is a direct GIFT FROM THE LORD. He whispers poisonous, hurtful venom in our ears throughout our day.

"You're a bad mom."
"You're so impatient"
"You are not a good homemaker."
"You are incapable."

Haven't you ever felt those whispers to you??

IGNORE HIS WORDS. BLOCK YOUR HEART FROM HIM. and rejoice in this:

A happy mom who is secure in herself and at ease in her life is a rare gift that children love and appreciate.

Your kids don't need a supermama, they need to see a mama who needs the SUPER GOD. 

Being the mama you want to be isn't so much about BEING more but BELIEVING MORE, believing and trusting in God, the God who sees you, nourishes you, hears you and answers.

Parenting is fueled by God's grace, not my efforts.

Ohhh, I hear a faint yawn and rumbling coming from the nursery. He's up, and we are about to start our day together, and so are you with your little ones, friend.
Hush those evil, false whispers girlfriend.
Pick up that/those precious child/children of yours and rejoice in a new day!

and last but not least, LET THEM BE LITTLE.

This is the time for small paychecks, messy but well-lived in homes, and childhood memories in the making. REJOICE IN THIS TIME. It's okay to rewash the same load of laundry, or have not left your pajamas today, or to have just spent time at the park and ordered a pizza for dinner. God wants you to be alive and share in that life with your children. He wants to help develop a foundation of joy, imagination, and beauty in the lives you share together.

May this words of grace equip and bless you friends, Love you lots. Have a happy day, you wonderful mama you.

xoxo, KESS

Dear YOU.

Dear You,
You’ve been fighting a hard battle. Behind closed doors, within the quietness of your heart, in the hours when it seems the rest of the world is sleeping.
You are a warrior, my friend. A woman of courage. Yes, you. The one who sometimes feels weak. The one who wonders if she will ever prevail. The one whose hand trembles on the sword sometimes.
You are already victorious. More than a conqueror. It may not feel that way in the heat of the battle, but you can be sure of this: the war is already won. You can’t lose. You will not falter. You have been promised that nothing can defeat you. Nothing. Not even this.
So stand tall, warrior girl, because you are mightier than you know. Your prayers, your unyielding faith, your words of truth have the power to make the enemy tremble. Not because of who you are but because of whose side you fight on.
And the One you fight for will always fight for you. He has done so since the beginning of time, and he will do so until every last obstacle and opposition has been destroyed. He is fierce on your behalf and infinitely tender with your heart.
Sometimes you will be wounded, yes. But don’t let that trick you into believing you have been knocked down forever. That can never happen. Those wounds will be healed by the One whose scars have guaranteed victory for you. Stand strong, friend. Keep fighting. Refuse to let fear win. Never yield an inch to the enemy. You stand on holy ground, and no one can take what’s yours. Not now. Not ever. You’re going to be okay because you’ve already won forever.
XOXO, your friend,
KESS
P.S. happy Valentine's day tomorrow!

Fill in the Blanks. {February}

Making: Hank's Birthday Card
Cooking: Salsa Chicken, Crockpot style.
Drinking: CHERRY PEPSI. MMMMMMMMM.
Reading: Old posts on some blogs I follow.
Wanting: A week trip to Portland, having Oregon withdrawals!
Looking: At my messy house, so overwhelming!

Playing: Peek a boo with Henry.
Wasting: Time while Henry naps.
Wishing: I could have a girls night, catch up with old girlfriends.
Enjoying: This sunshine, its much needed after months of inversion.
Waiting: For three o'clock. It's the hubster's birthday and I'm surprising him with a date to Tucano's :)
Liking: Concealer, how have I never used this until now? buh bye baggy sleepy mama eyes. 

Wondering: When our tax return will come, oh happy day!
Loving: Henry's walking. Its SO adorable.
Hoping: For the relationships in my life to be a blessing, not a hinderance.

Marveling: At how big Henry is. Wowww.
Needing: Some foundation, this girls been using every last drop!
Smelling: My Bath and Body Works candle, "Forever Sunshine" :)
Wearing: This cute little leather sleeve dress, my new fav!

Following: Sophia Bush on Instagram. That girl is amazing.
Noticing: There is 4 houses for sale on my street, so empty!
Thinking: Today seems like a Dutch Bros coffee kind of day, preferrably a Milky Way, yumm.

Knowing: I need to not set unrealistic, and unreachable expectations.
Focusing: on little areas of the house that need my attention.
Bookmarking: Daily Meal plans for one year olds.
Opening: A bottle of Treetop Apple berry juice. :)
Giggling: At Henry, holding his finger to his lips and saying SHHH.♥
Feeling: Hopeful, weary, sick, positive.