April 27, 2016

real talk.

hello bloggity blog.

for some reason i have lots of words and things i want to put out here and just get off my chest, maybe bring some clarity to my mind, or maybe bring my walls down enough to be vulnerable with you guys in this space. i struggle with trying to find the balance of what i share. i want to be open enough to encourage you and relate to you, but yet i'm guarded a bit out of some insecurity.

well today, some walls are going to crumble a little.

i feel like social medias set such a high standard for "how life is supposed to be" and to present that everything is so kodak worthy, so picture perfect. and boy, do people feed into that.

look at my perfect wardrobe. look at my perfectly clean home. look at how fit i am. look at my perfect vacation. look at how many friends i have. look at my perfect family.

perfect. perfect. perfect.

i truly feel for those people who feel they have to prove that standard of perfection.
it must be exhausting to reach for something unattainable.

sure life is wonderful. sure there are great great glimpses of each of those things.
but let me clear something right up.
i never want to portray that my life is "perfect"

i wish people could just say how they really feel.

like, "hey i really don't like when you treat me that way"

or, "hey, i'm really in a lonely season of life"

"hey, i'm in love with you, and still think of you all the time"

"i just really miss you"

i'm not doing okay, i need encouraged"

i wish people could just say how they really feel without being shamed or sounding "desperate".

why can't we all be painfully honest and save people the trouble?

i will say, that sometimes my little social media box can appear quite "perfect" sometimes.

but let me just tell you, IT'S NOT.

let me just let down my guard for a minute and share with you.

maybe it'll bring you comfort? maybe you can relate? maybe you'll feel you can reach out to me and have someone to come to with your guard down too?

i'll share with you now.

i struggle with my body image. i am such a horrible critic of myself and have the worst self-esteem.

i have lots of dreams to live out, but crawl into a shell of insecurity and don't pursue them

i tear up often on the fact that this time with my boys is SO precious and they won't always be this little.

i have anxiety, some days are really good, some are daunting and gut wrenching.

i'm in a season of life where i'm reevaluating the people i invest in. i'm finding myself always the giver and finding myself in a lot of one sided friendships that hurt.

i have been married five and a half years, and although it's been really great, we are still learning and growing together.

i pray to god often asking what my purpose is and to move my feet to where he wants to lead me.

too honest?

i just want to show you the messy parts. i show lots of good parts but i truly believe if more people let their walls down and shared the parts that aren't so pretty and perfect, we'd all be surprised how similar we are in this crazy thing called life.

xoxo, kess

April 7, 2016

seed-sown dreams.

have you ever thought of sowing seeds of dreams so big you think there's just no way they could possibly grow?!
A couple days ago we had a beautiful 70 degree sunny day, and we took advantage of the sunshine and went out for a drive. I love rolling the window down with the music up and having my hair blow in the breeze out to the unknown. Hank and I always seem to find ourselves driving to the outskirts or back roads of town, row after row of crop and little homes scattered here and there throughout the open rolling hills. We decided to take our drive out past Lake Lowell in Nampa, and I must admit its one of my favorite spots. Henry and Jett had fallen asleep in the car, and I was just ho humming, staring off into the farms, when suddenly a certain house caught my attention. 
"Hank, go right over there. I see my dream house."
"You do??"
I always say things I love here and there, but I've never said that.
We pulled right across from this house all quaint and kept on a road spread out with a couple houses a ways down.
 The wrap round porch. 
The big windows with the black shutters.
The big barn/tractor shed on the left of it.
The welcoming front steps and street light.
This was it.
I felt like a Fixer Upper client and that Chip and Joanna Gaines had just pulled back the rolling lifesize photo of my fixer upper before my eyes for the big reveal.
I began walking Hank through our life, just by looking at it.
"That's where I'd read a devotion and sip my coffee in the morning."
"That's where Henry and Jett would play catch in the yard"
"Those steps are where we'd sit and reflect together after a long day."
"That's where we'd have a Sunday dinner outside if it was nice out."
On and on I went about describing the details of life and how this house was the setting place for it all to unravel.
"I really love it too, Kess." he kept saying.
I took a photo of it to awe about later, and we continued our drive. 
I kept thinking, "this is a little patch of heaven"
"this is a home you'd want to write a book about or have a movie feature."
"this is the ideal home."
I know what you all are thinking. Good grief all that from a stinking house you saw on a drive?
Yeah, well...yeah. I guess so.
Something about a life outside of town just appeals to me.
Life is such a fast and instant whirlwind already.
This place would slow all that down real simple.
No, it's not my house, and no, it's not for sale. 
But yes, I'm a dreamer.
Yes, it's just an old house.
But also, yes to God-sized dreams.
and yes to seeking Him out in our dreams.
big or small.