Truths.

I don't know how to write this post other than in the random sentences of feelings that have jumbled my brain lately. So much has been going on for me, and I haven't found the words to say.

So here's my effort to jot down these thoughts.

I am 23, almost 24.

Wow, that scares me.

The older I got, the more confident and sure of myself I thought I'd become.

That is far from how I feel.

In fact, it terrifies me.

I feel as if life is racing, in fact, whirling by me, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I've never felt this unsure or attached from myself.

I've never felt this scared or anxious.

I've grown weary and hopeless in the thought of finding a "career" and actually "loving it" and being "successful" at it.

I've grown depressed in the fact that I do not love myself, and there are very little things I like about myself.

I'm scared that I am slowly losing myself.

I'm secretly scared I will not ever have the opportunity of more children.

I'm just....living....scared.

xoxo, kess

My little secret.

Can I share something raw and honest with you friends?

I have a not so nice friend that has been a secret of mine. 

...for YEARS.

Her name?

Anxiety.

The truth is, Miss Anxiety has been a long-time companion of mine.

She leaves me with hopelessness, inexplicable stress, and quite frankly, depression somedays.

Sometimes being alone and quiet makes it better. Somedays I ache for busyness to come about to distract me. 

Those who know me personally would probably be surprised to hear me saying all this. 

I sometimes get told, "You seem so calm and positive; you've got it all together!"

That always makes me want to burst out in laughter (or tears) and never ceases to shock me.

Throughout the years, my anxiety has had its extreme downs, but it's getting a lot better. Recently, I have begun to see it as an essential part of who I am. 

My anxiety may make social situations hard sometimes, but it has also enlightened me to tune in people well. I've got an emotional thermometer inside me that detects even the slightest change in mood. 

That makes me sensitive, it helps me to write and encourage. 

I'm starting to see that my strengths are often tied to what I might label as my "weaknesses".

But I wouldn't have one without having the other. 

Perhaps it's just really about focusing on the parts that are helpful and letting the other stuff go. 

There's a verse that resonates in my heart so well when I feel this way. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” {Php. 4:6}.

To me that means that I'm not supposed to let my anxiety win. 

I'm supposed to hand it over to God and say, "Please take care of this, and turn it into something useful."

Redeem this part of me I wish were different.

Do you have a little secret friend by the name of Anxiety?

"Redemption doesn't mean getting rid of who we are, it means transforming everything about us to be like Jesus." -Holley Gerth

So let me close by saying this, both for me and for you, friend.

Do not be anxious about anything! 

XOXO, Kess