UGLY.

Can I just be honest, a tad personal, and a little open with you lovelies?

I am not a perfect person by any means. I never want you to get that impression, or that you think I THINK that about myself. Because I DON'T and I absolutely AM not. I have so many flaws, and imperfections, physically, mentally, emotionally, by golly you could write a list. But can I share with you what flaw I dislike the most?? Bear with me. 

For the longest time I have had a deep, not so secret low self worth and insecurity in myself. In fact, my low self esteem is lifted when I lift up other's and their self esteem. I want so badly for people to feel loved, wonderful, and supported by me. I know I am not always the best at it, and there is room for growth in ways I can show it, but that is the ultimate goal in my life. To leave others better than the way I found them. 

I guess I've just come to a realization and quite a shock in how badly and how often I put myself down. Come to think of it, its shocking how many times I don't even realize I do it, and that its such a habit! For example, my husband compliments me looking beautiful, I without even thinking will tell him I'm not. My mother will compliment a craft I make, and will call to tell me to put them in the Art Walk for sale, I will immediately answer, "they're not THAT good, momma." In fact, my boss the other day sat with me and flat out told me I had become a strong waitress, and that she is proud of me. I chuckled and say, "Oh, no I'm not that great." 

Come to think of it, I am HORRIBLE at accepting compliments or praise, because quite honestly, I doubt those things about myself, and don't seem to think of myself that highly, so why would I think others think of me that highly?? It's a bad cycle that's spiraled over and over, and I'm just realizing with open eyes that I've gotten out of hand. I don't think I've realized how much I'm putting myself down lately, but it is driving me crazy. My thought process about myself lately is so self-destructive. How are others supposed to lift me up, if I'm my OWN worst critic? Doesn't lifting up others and not lifting up myself and treating myself nice seem hypocritical?

Another example I can think of happened pretty recently as well. Might as well share with you. 

Last weekend or so, my sister in law took some updated family photos in a beautiful orchard on the outskirts of Nampa, and I can remember pretty vividly being hard on myself before the photo shoot.

I had gotten the boys nice matching shirts, and after a long search for a dress to go with it, I opted out with coral pants and a nice blouse. I had curled my hair that day, and just as Anna was going to pick us  up for pictures I looked in the mirror. "My outfit is awful. I look awful. My hair isn't curled the way I wanted it. My makeup looks bad. The boys look cute. I look dumb." Immediately these negative critics popped in my head about myself, just in that split second I had tore myself apart left and right. A week later she posted the previews on Facebook, so Hank told me and we looked through the preview together. Every single photo he showed me, I had a negative thought about myself pop up in my head. 

"I have such a fat face. Why are my eyes so squinty? I'm NOT photogenic. I wish I was pretty like my sisters and friends. I need to work out again." WHY DIDN'T I JUST SEE A HAPPY MOM, A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY THAT I BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD, AND MY OWN LITTLE FAMILY IN A BEAUTIFUL ROW OF BLOOMING TREES for crying out loud?!?!

I know it will be a process. I will have days where I feel inadequate, or not good enough, or flat out ugly, inside and out. But I can't lift up others if I can't even lift up myself, or give others the best version of myself. Besides, I want to set a good example for my son, I want him to be able to love himself for who he is, to not talk down on himself, and to work on improving when needed. I want to show him self love, and to have confidence. Wish me luck on my self love journey, I'm gonna need it. 

XOXO, Kess

Silence.

Hey you,

The one having phrases taunt you in your moments throughout the day.

The quiet moments as you drive,

the quiet moments as you drift off to sleep,

the quiet moments washing dishes at the sink, admiring out the window.

Those nasty phrases sneak a midst those peaceful times; they might sound like this:

"Surely I should be doing more."

"Surely I should be trying harder."

"Surely I am not enough."

"Surely this is not my purpose, not what I'm called to do."

Negative, self destructing thoughts like these run through our minds, and in return we run through life never feeling like we are enough, or that we should be "BIGGER, BETTER, FASTER"

What if I don't live up to my full potential? Wouldn't that be the biggest waste?

Shush that noisy negative nonsense right up, friend.

Block those damaging, and misleading words from your heart.

The enemy loves to take the opportunity to break the silence, to spew nasty, hurtful venom into our thoughts.

As a mom, I find myself alone with my thoughts at home, and quite frankly, I'm his perfect target.

"You're not a very good mom, Kessie."

"You shouldn't feel any worth about yourself."

"Is this ALL you're going to do with your life?"

I find that when I am at these susceptible moments, that if I cling to the Lord, He shuts him out!

and when I do, the Lord gently whispers these gentle words,

"I love you sweet daughter, Kessie."

"I'm proud to see you loving and praising me with the blessing of a child I gave you."

"I will love you, no matter what ALL you do in your life."

WOW, isn't that grand?

The Lord is gentle, merciful, and quiet. We need to train our hearts to seek Him out, and to truly allow ourselves to listen for His words, His affirmation, His grace.

The enemy is loud. Grand, noisy, manipulative, and quite frankly tears you down. He is spiteful, and will crush you if you allow him the time of day.

Quite frankly, I don't have time for that guy. Don't ever wanna!

I can honor God with the life I live in THIS moment, and in EVERY moment. After all, he is the mastermind and artist, and my life is His handiwork. Right now He has me serving Him as a mommy to Henry, a wife, a daughter, a waitress, and a friend. So I will bring Him glory where he has put me, and until He moves me to the next place in His plan, this is where I will glorify Him. I will glorify Him with showing His love where I'm at, and with what I have.

XOXO Kess

hello Easter. hello Spring.

Yes I know this is a day-ish late, but I just felt the need to recap on the wonder and miracle that Easter brings.

hello mellow Easter. 

hello to faith, family, and tender memories

. 

hello to the Savior's rising, a hope, a sacrifice, a promise made just for you. 

hello to egg hunts, jellybeans, chocolate bunnies, and a sunshiny Sunday.

hello to bare feet, bed head, and baby giggles.

hello to a sweet baby boy, snuggled right from his crib, and escorted out to a surprise of a living room full of eggs. 

hello to spring flowers and the warmth of the sun on your smiling face.

hello to a delicious and filling meal, prepared by love throughout the day.

hello to gratitude I have while watching my son make the same memories I have of Easter many years ago.

hello to kickball in the fresh green yard, and to volleyball with the niece. 

hello to a new season, and with that, a new mindset. 

I hope your Easter was refreshing, and that you felt God's love and presence. 

XOXO Kess

Life Lately.

hello lovelies.

I hope life has been treating you well, and that God has been abundant and present in your lives. I wish I had something inspiring, or uplifting to share with you today. Something to boost your spirits, empower and equip you for your day-to-day journey.

But sometimes, I really feel wordless. So if this post becomes unnecessary or just a random little tidbit, then I do apologize in advance! But for some reason, I opened my blogger tab, and opened a fresh new post, and allowed the chance for something to come from my heart. I feel a need to write, to connect, and open up with you. So maybe I could share a little slice of life with you all, a little peek into whats been happening over here.

Work has been extremely hectic lately. For those who didn't know, I am a waitress at a cafe right above the Nampa Airport. We have patio seating and its a quaint little dining space with yummy food, all with the experience of watching airplanes take off and land while you eat. It's pretty fun! With this warm spring starting up, we have had a full house all day, every day of the weekend (I work Fri-Sun) It's been great! Saturday and Sunday I was running around the restaurant like mad, cleaning, serving, seating, it was pure chaos! But it's a really fun job, and I really enjoy it. It's been good for me. I've been working there since November 1st, so I feel like I've gotten the hang of it by now. It's been nice to have the additional income to cut down on debt, as well as for irregular expenses. Hey, and the tip money is fun too :)

That little top part is the cafe, and the open part on top is the patio seating :)

I've really been enjoying this sunshine lately. Am I the only one who's mood thrives on sunshine??

Seriously people, when the sun is out, I feel positive, alive, warm, happy, and bright. It turns my day around so quick. I open all the windows and blinds and let it light up my home. I've already been browsing places to hike, overnight camps, new parks, fun fun outdoorsy stuff. We mowed the lawn for the second time this year, and all our flowers are reblooming by our front door; I really find spring so beautiful. Can't believe Easter is right around the corner. Henry will be at such a fun stage to try an Easter egg hunt with this year. Can't wait to get him in his Sunday best too :)

Annie enjoying the water on our family walk! 

Henry has been such a cute little stinker lately. It's fun to have this opportunity in this day and age to document his day-to-day moments; I will be so thankful to read them back with him one day, to reshare our memories of how we grew up together. Anywho, today I went grocery shopping with him, and we passed the bananas. That boy LOVES bananas. He goes BANANAS for bananas hahaha. So I grab a bunch of bananas and put them into our cart. He starts clapping and shouting "Na-Na! Na-Na! Yay Na-Na! Yayyy! NAAAA NAAAA!" all throughout the remainder of my shopping. Haha it was so precious! He also loves being outside. We take monster trucks out and roll them to each other, color with sidewalk chalk, and blow bubbles in the yard. He actually throws a fit when it's time to go inside. I bought him one of those dinky plastic kiddie pools the other day, I can't wait to have some fun in the sun as it heats up! 

Hank recently got to use his giftcard I gave him for his birthday. This was no ordinary gift card... I surprised him on his birthday with a date to his favorite restaurant and a giftcard for one skydive! He was so stoked! We took him out a couple weekends ago to the Caldwell Airport, where he was handed some paperwork and watched an instructional video. (Can I just tell you how weird it is to see him sign a paper saying he might die during this acitivity?? Oh and how weird it is for me to sign as the witness??) He walked out to the tiny plane, and they corkscrewed higher and higher, and sure enough, I saw a little dot drop out, then a few seconds later, I saw the parachute! Hank was so shaken up and his adrenaline was pumping when he walked over to us afterwards. He was hooked, and said it was not what he expected, but in a good way! He already wants to go back! It was fun to watch, and something I am perfectly okay with just watching ;)

Right before he went up to skydive!

Well I hope you enjoyed this random update of my life lately. It's crazy how much days fly by, and with the warm weather and busyness I just seem to be riding by the seat of my pants with a smile, but I like it. It's life and life is GOOD. 

XOXO, Kess