September 22, 2014

A Mood, not a Destination.

Yes, I love One Tree Hill,

and yes, I quote One Tree Hill. 

don't judge me.

It's funny because I've re-watched episodes and seasons of it, and certain things will stick out to me the second time around, and last night this quote hit me. Spoke right to me!

I've totally been guilty of viewing happiness that way. I think we all become accustomed to thinking that way about it. If we meet that person, if our debt is paid off, if we get over this rough season, then just maybe we can be at that place of happiness. I have felt that way at times. Honestly, I am guilty of trying to be a perfectionist. I have this gut feeling that tells me I'm not enough and to try harder, and be better constantly.  So I push and push, strive beyond measure, and then when I'm unhappy I can't reach these unattainable expectations, I break...break hard. I take it so personally, and become irrational about the situation, and it's hard for me to see that. 

For example, let's say Hank and I have a little knit pick argument. Maybe I've had a build up weight of stress from the demands of the day, maybe he has a build up of fatigue and stress from the calls of the night.  I start to think we are arguing because I am wrong, then it unravels to me thinking I'm a bad wife, then to me thinking we are a bad couple, then to me thinking we will never be happy together. I know this sounds so extreme and even silly, trust me, typing it myself I feel silly at the realization of the sound of it, but that's truly how I'm wired to feel in those situations.

I'm learning to detach myself from things. That maybe, just maybe, I'm not to blame for any and every circumstance that will come my way that I don't like, and you know what, it's freeing in a sense. I feel as if teaching myself to think that way, that I can achieve happiness more, just like the quote. To not fly off the handle and ruin the whole day for it. To find happiness in the little things, in many ways.

I don't know if any of these thoughts made any sense, but my scattered blonde head wanted to share them with you today :) May you think of happiness as a mood, not a destination, and find it more often. 

XOXO, Kess

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