Let's talk friendship, shall we?

There has been a nonstop whirl of buzzing in my head lately.

With the warmer weather, I tend to need to be outside, ya know, to get that sunshine in my soul. So I'll load up Henry, put on a country station or Pandora, and just roll the windows down and THINK.

Think about memories.

Think about my life.

Think about improvements.

Think about struggles. 

Think. Think. Think.

All I've been doing since Monday is reflecting and being in deep thought; I must say I am emotionally drained and have quite the headache.

I don't know where to start on how to fill you in on all that I'm thinking, nor do you have the time or probably care haha! I'm just at this place in life where I keep questioning, "What's next?"

Where's my next friend?

Where's my next opportunity?

Where's my next goal?

Where's the Lord's path for me?

Where's life going to take me next?

I find myself thinking up past times and emotions, as well as people; I also find myself uncertain of the future. Why am I not just being in the moment and thinking about the NOW? I've always been that way. The plus side is I'm always planning and thinking ahead, but yet, the con is that I'm so busy maneuvering life around what's ahead that I'm skipping over the present. 

I've really been praying about a raw void in my heart. A longing, unanswered prayer that I'm faithfully holding onto. I've asked the Lord to reveal to me a true friend/friends. Since moving to Boise, I had one friend I really reached out to, put my walls down, and let in. I had opened up to her, and was starting to get to know her very well. I was always extending myself to her, and doing anything helpful I could for her. We even went on a week-long road trip together. But she later on revealed a very dark, selfish, judgmental side which eventually broke my heart, and we parted ways. I didn't know whether that was who she was all along, or if she had just changed, but it hurt. Since then, and with life as the parent of a newborn under my belt, I was content with keeping to myself and my new baby. He healed my heart, brought me more joy, and filled every wound from that. 

I also recently had a very close friend I had to let go of, and love from a distance. I've known her since birth. Thrown her first baby shower, her daughter called me Auntie. I went down to see her baby all the way from Boise. I was in her wedding line. This summer we had a fall out, and since then have had little to no communication. It makes my heart hurt. I used to think we were going to be those life-long girlfriends, the ones who sat around a kitchen table, and laughed and cried of old memories. But it was also a one-sided friendship, and those unfortunately have their days numbered, and slowly burn out :( I always listened to her, comforted her, laughed with her, shared her happiness, and shared her struggles. I knew her so very well. But yet years and years had been by, and she had been in and out of my life, choosing other friends over me, getting consumed with a boy, moving to American falls, but yet I was her constant. I just felt as if that door needed to be shut, and to be honest, it wasn't any different when it was. I was the one who had always been there for her when she needed me, but it was never returned. I still think of her every now and then and hope life is treating her well, but my heart is guarded, so I must love her from a distance. 

When Henry was three months old, I met a girl who's baby was 2 1/2 months younger than my son. She had just moved here with her new husband for his school, and knew little about the area and few people. We became very close. We had playdates, swapped babysitting, craft store runs, did Sunday walks as a family, pizza nights, went swimming, and Sonic ice cream trips. We had such a great time, and we were on such a relatable level being young new moms to newborn boys. Shortly after her husband graduated, they were informed he would be getting a job in Texas, and once again I was crushed. How could God direct them somewhere else after just giving me a friend?? Sure enough, the job was fully secured, and they were gone. We still talk, but having a friend in Texas is not ideal for the meetups and playdates anymore :(

I find myself questioning my ability as a friend, and missing old friendships. I miss the memories of them, because that's all I can miss. The people in those friendships have changed so much, or just dropped out of my life, most with no explanation, or reason I can think of at all. It hurts. I guess you can say I have an unrealistic expectation of a "friend" because I am that kind of friend and more, and most people aren't that in return.  I call. I send flowers. I invite. I encourage. I love. I uplift. I pray. Those things seem like all I know how to do for people. When it's not returned, I feel as if they don't care, when really I am quite possibly just going above expectation for them. 

I'm really not trying to self-praise by any means about how I am as a friend. I guess what I'm trying to comprehend is that I'm not sure on my ability to be a friend because very few are that kind of friend to me. I feel very rejected, and somewhat hurt that I don't have a friend to extend to me the way I do. 

I guess you could say I'm stuck. I'm in between not wanting to try at all and pursuing new friendships. I'm scared. What if they turn out poorly? What if they are temporary?

For the most part, I am a very positive person. I live off of fueling people with joy, and uplifting them. It's my passion. But I can honestly say right now that I am discouraged, and don't know where to go from here. I could really use some prayer. 

XOXO, Kess

LET THEM BE LITTLE.

Here's a visual for what things have been like at this household. If you have kids, maybe this isn't such a hard visual to imagine ;)

-Baskets of Laundry. and by baskets I mean the clean ones needed put away, the folded piles(and unfolded piles Henry has thrown on the floor) and the wrinkled ones I have neglected and "wrinkle tossed" a million bazillion times.
-The kitchen. Messy dishes, a gunky sticky highchair, fresh mopped floor(oh wait, the dogs just came in from having a hayday in the fresh wet mud) and no put down food or ideas for dinner.
-Henry had three baths yesterday, YES THREE. One from deciding to put smashed egg in his hair(oh and dropping whatever his hair didn't want to eat onto his doggies heads) Two from a wet diaper leak, and three, well quite frankly the third one was for Mama to have him contained while she got ready for the day haha.

I feel as if I bust and bust, tidying and "quick cleanups" all throughout the day, and by the time it's Henry's nap, I look around and have NOTHING to show for it. In fact, naptime is GO TIME to pick up once more.

Can you mamas relate??
Am I missing my special power given to us at the birth of our children??

(God, if so, we need to talk buddy...)

I LOVE BEING A MOTHER. I LOVE IT SO SO MUCH. I don't want this to seem like a complaint or a whining session. Actually I'm pointing it out to bring some humor to it for you, and perhaps shed some light on the familiar territory you might know as well :)

The past couple days, I've noticed Henry is a walking, and now CLIMBING MACHINE. He will try to scale just about anything. Rockclimber in the making?? He just might be. He loves to try to climb the front of his highchair, the dishwasher, his changing table, the dining chairs, heck, he even seemed to get that "lightbulb" ah-ha moment about climbing the TV entertainment center. As much as I sympathize with him, I can't help but think, "You've been taken off that thing a hundred times, and the last time you about bonked your head, why must you get back on it again? Don't you know??

The thing is, he doesn't.

I've had to teach myself to put my thoughts in HIS perspective. "Hey, I can walk now, and I'm getting pretty good at it. What's up in there? I bet I could reach it. I want to find out!"

Just as I am learning and growing as a mother, that boy is learning and developing himself too.

I feel as if the enemy LOVES attacking mother's hearts. I mean, why wouldn't he? Babies and motherhood is a direct GIFT FROM THE LORD. He whispers poisonous, hurtful venom in our ears throughout our day.

"You're a bad mom."
"You're so impatient"
"You are not a good homemaker."
"You are incapable."

Haven't you ever felt those whispers to you??

IGNORE HIS WORDS. BLOCK YOUR HEART FROM HIM. and rejoice in this:

A happy mom who is secure in herself and at ease in her life is a rare gift that children love and appreciate.

Your kids don't need a supermama, they need to see a mama who needs the SUPER GOD. 

Being the mama you want to be isn't so much about BEING more but BELIEVING MORE, believing and trusting in God, the God who sees you, nourishes you, hears you and answers.

Parenting is fueled by God's grace, not my efforts.

Ohhh, I hear a faint yawn and rumbling coming from the nursery. He's up, and we are about to start our day together, and so are you with your little ones, friend.
Hush those evil, false whispers girlfriend.
Pick up that/those precious child/children of yours and rejoice in a new day!

and last but not least, LET THEM BE LITTLE.

This is the time for small paychecks, messy but well-lived in homes, and childhood memories in the making. REJOICE IN THIS TIME. It's okay to rewash the same load of laundry, or have not left your pajamas today, or to have just spent time at the park and ordered a pizza for dinner. God wants you to be alive and share in that life with your children. He wants to help develop a foundation of joy, imagination, and beauty in the lives you share together.

May this words of grace equip and bless you friends, Love you lots. Have a happy day, you wonderful mama you.

xoxo, KESS

Dear YOU.

Dear You,
You’ve been fighting a hard battle. Behind closed doors, within the quietness of your heart, in the hours when it seems the rest of the world is sleeping.
You are a warrior, my friend. A woman of courage. Yes, you. The one who sometimes feels weak. The one who wonders if she will ever prevail. The one whose hand trembles on the sword sometimes.
You are already victorious. More than a conqueror. It may not feel that way in the heat of the battle, but you can be sure of this: the war is already won. You can’t lose. You will not falter. You have been promised that nothing can defeat you. Nothing. Not even this.
So stand tall, warrior girl, because you are mightier than you know. Your prayers, your unyielding faith, your words of truth have the power to make the enemy tremble. Not because of who you are but because of whose side you fight on.
And the One you fight for will always fight for you. He has done so since the beginning of time, and he will do so until every last obstacle and opposition has been destroyed. He is fierce on your behalf and infinitely tender with your heart.
Sometimes you will be wounded, yes. But don’t let that trick you into believing you have been knocked down forever. That can never happen. Those wounds will be healed by the One whose scars have guaranteed victory for you. Stand strong, friend. Keep fighting. Refuse to let fear win. Never yield an inch to the enemy. You stand on holy ground, and no one can take what’s yours. Not now. Not ever. You’re going to be okay because you’ve already won forever.
XOXO, your friend,
KESS
P.S. happy Valentine's day tomorrow!

Fill in the Blanks. {February}

Making: Hank's Birthday Card
Cooking: Salsa Chicken, Crockpot style.
Drinking: CHERRY PEPSI. MMMMMMMMM.
Reading: Old posts on some blogs I follow.
Wanting: A week trip to Portland, having Oregon withdrawals!
Looking: At my messy house, so overwhelming!

Playing: Peek a boo with Henry.
Wasting: Time while Henry naps.
Wishing: I could have a girls night, catch up with old girlfriends.
Enjoying: This sunshine, its much needed after months of inversion.
Waiting: For three o'clock. It's the hubster's birthday and I'm surprising him with a date to Tucano's :)
Liking: Concealer, how have I never used this until now? buh bye baggy sleepy mama eyes. 

Wondering: When our tax return will come, oh happy day!
Loving: Henry's walking. Its SO adorable.
Hoping: For the relationships in my life to be a blessing, not a hinderance.

Marveling: At how big Henry is. Wowww.
Needing: Some foundation, this girls been using every last drop!
Smelling: My Bath and Body Works candle, "Forever Sunshine" :)
Wearing: This cute little leather sleeve dress, my new fav!

Following: Sophia Bush on Instagram. That girl is amazing.
Noticing: There is 4 houses for sale on my street, so empty!
Thinking: Today seems like a Dutch Bros coffee kind of day, preferrably a Milky Way, yumm.

Knowing: I need to not set unrealistic, and unreachable expectations.
Focusing: on little areas of the house that need my attention.
Bookmarking: Daily Meal plans for one year olds.
Opening: A bottle of Treetop Apple berry juice. :)
Giggling: At Henry, holding his finger to his lips and saying SHHH.♥
Feeling: Hopeful, weary, sick, positive. 

Come.

Yesterday was just one of those days, you know, the ones where the sequence of events are a mess over and over during your day. The countless errands and mundane chores beckoning for my attention. I was just mentally and emotionally drained.

Once a month, the church I attend has a ladies night, and even though yesterday I had just had it up to here, I threw myself together and gave myself the push to go. As I sat there during worship, I looked around at all the women praising. There was an elderly lady on the opposite end of the row I was seated in, face in her palms, kleenex clutched hands and crying. I felt this overwhelming sense of prayer in my head, I just had to sit down. I grabbed the notepad I had brought, and with pen in hand, in the middle of the singing segment of the night, began writing the prayer in my head for this woman. In the middle of writing it, I scooted down to the end where she was sitting, put an arm around her, and told her she wasn't alone. She briefed me on a little of what she was going through, her son was put back into jail that morning, and her two little granddaughters were shuffled over to her house. She was distrraught, broken, and burdened at the news of her son, from what she had said he has been in and out several times for drinking charges. Mind you, I had never met/talked to this woman before, but I immediantly felt a sense of compassion for her. She came to church more raw and broken than I had, and looking around it made me think how many other women had came in the same condition. At the end of the service I handed her the prayer I had wrote down, and my email/phone number if she needed it. She gave me a hug, and thanked me.

The reason I share this is because so many times I think in our walk of faith, we tend to get tunnel vision. We just see that A/B relationship we have directly with the Lord, when so many other hearts and lives are connecting with Him as well. As I stepped back and looked in on my "stress", I gained a sense of humility and gratitude that my stress was merely arguments and a busy schedule. In church, whenever there is worship, I like to think of the songs as prayers to the Lord. Last night those prayers were over that sweet lady, Elaine. I think sometimes we need to worship for others who are too broken or cannot stand and worship in their lives. Maybe they are fighting huge battles nobody can comprehend. Maybe they have had a shattered, messy life. Maybe they need OUR prayers and worship when they are too weak to have their own prayers and worship.

While writing that prayer, I also had a prayer come into my heart, and I jotted that down too. Last nights service was about coming to the Lord, and having the Lord come into your life. So this is a prayer I wrote for me everyday.

Lord,
Come into my heart,

Come into my mess,

Come into my day,

Come into my life,

Come into my soul,

Come into my marriage,

Come into my home,

Come into my job,

Come into my words,

Come into my relationships,

Come into my mind,

Come into my actions,

Come into my parenting,

Come into my stress, 

Come into my joy,

Come Jesus come. 

XOXO, Kess

What's the word?

As this new year started, there were lots of resolution articles, ideas, inspirations, but something that caught my attention was the "What's the word?" posts. Not really knowing what it meant, I looked into it and sure enough it was a really neat idea. “What’s with the one word thing?” my co-worker asked, “And how can you know what your word will be before the year even gets started? I usually don’t know until the end!” We laugh and I nod in agreement.

The "What's the word?" kick everyone has jump started for the year is in fact, pretty self explanatory. You pick ONE word to reflect and live out during that year, and that's your resolution. It's so simple but so general that you have full reign on any and every way you can live that word the whole year.

Yes, God is full of surprises and 2014 is sure to be too. Then I share why I think I'll love choosing one word for each year. And it really comes down to this…

One word lets me have a filter when you have opportunities come up.

One word gives me focus instead of going in a lot of different directions.

One word helps my friends and family know what I want to intentionally pursue so they can cheer me on and help me stay on track.

My word for 2014 is CONNECT, and I was inspired by this verse: Live a life of love {Eph. 5:2}. As a new mother, living in another town away from family and friends, and working part-time, it's somewhat of a challenge to connect with others and keeping up relationships is unfortunately difficult sometimes. It has taken me awhile to find confidence in my new role and to find ease in ways that I can spend time with friends. I feel like I started finally getting there before Henry was born, but then I was quickly thrown  into the non-rhythm of treading water that is having a newborn, especially a colic one. I am once again in a place where it is easier to go places, either with my babe or in the evenings, and my goal is to say “yes” more often to spending time with others and building relationships. I want to have more phone conversations and coffee meetings with girlfriends and find ways to love on friends who are having a challenging time now that I have some opportunity.

What about you? What are your hopes for this year?

Would you like to join me in choosing a word for the year? What really resonates with your heart?  

I’d love for your to share your word and why you chose it by leaving a comment, or even texting me :)

Let’s encourage each other as 2014 gets going….one word at a time.

XOXO, Kess

Hello 2014.

2014, hello...and welcome.

This time last year I created my blog and began my entries, began writing...connecting and empowering myself to share my highlights, and even my struggles with you.

 To uplift you with words of encouragement, and reminders of who you are in the eyes of the Lord.

In some way I wanted to BLESS YOUR MESS. Bring light into the messy day to day life you are living and conquering every single day, just as I am.

I've already geared up my New Years goals, and I am feeling equipped and anxious for 2014. I'm ready for a fresh start, a clean slate if you will. Although 2013 was Henry's first year of life, it was by far one of the hardest years yet for me. Mentally, financially, emotionally, it was a rough year.

I'd like to send you off on your new year with a prayer, and I hope 2014 treats you so wonderfully.

Lord,

There are many uncertainties in our world

but what matters most will never change.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday

and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

We believe You are with us, for us,

and surrounding us with Your love.

So do not fear, for I am with you…

I will strengthen you and help you. Isaiah 41:10

No matter what happens, You will guide us and fulfill Your purposes for us.

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Even in hard times we can be confident that we will have victory through you.

In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Romans 8:37

We trust you will take care of us and bless us in more ways than we can imagine.

God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

We give each moment and every day to You.

Most of all, we give ourselves too.

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Matthew 6:10

Amen.

Happy New Year dear friends. Know you are loved.

-Kess