October 25, 2013

Beauty in the Breaking.

Today I finally grasped a simple concept.

...the concept that unexpected things are always going to happen in life. I realized that the only control I have is how I choose to handle them. I'm making the decision today to survive it using courage, humor, and of course, His grace. I realized that the choice is mine.

If most of you didn't know already, I am rather on the tender side. I'm sensitive towards expressing my joy, and sensitive when it comes to expressing pain. Both of course, make me cry.

I know I cry a lot and for many things like sad movies, or a bad day, abandoned dreams, or songs that remind me of the past. Stupid things too, like someone's tone towards me, and all the problems I've created for myself in my head. But then I heard a quote from Zooey Deschanel that made me think of crying differently.

"Being tender and open is beautiful. 

As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. 

Too sensitive. 

Too mushy.

 Too wishy washy. 

Blah blah.

 Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. 

Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart.

 Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things.

Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, 

feel it all – look around you.

 All of this is for you.

 Take it and have gratitude.

 Give it and feel love."

-Zooey Deschanel

The last few years I have found myself becoming increasingly sensitive as life takes its toll: For a while I was constantly suppressing it and getting so angry at myself when I would cry at certain things or feel too much. Then a woman I go to church with was talking about our collective tenderness as women and that it is in our nature to be sensitive because we are nurturers, and we cannot nurture without empathy. I hadn't ever thought of it that way and it has helped me slowly come to terms with my sensitivity.

So here I am admitting that I cry when I am overjoyed. I cry when I'm overwhelmed. I cry when I watch Ellen DeGeneres bless someone in need. I cry in pure joy and awe at the sight of Henry, his laugh, his cuddles, his sweet little spirit. I cry at military coming home pictures, and new babies being born. Sometimes I cry when I am singing in my car and I have this epiphany of my existence and I feel overcome by love for my family, friends, God, and all the goodness that He brings to all of us. If someone cries in front of me, I will cry with them, and for the first time in my life, I am not ashamed of it.

Showing emotion and feeling puts us in a very vulnerable state and all of my reasons for hating it are because of pride. I have wanted to look put together, "tough", strong...and if I let myself fall apart, I cannot appear as such. I have been oppressing the very gift that God has planted in all women: The gift to love and nurture and mourn with those that mourn.

So this is my ode to feeling. I will not beat myself up for it any longer. I will love it because it is my nature and it's everything I am supposed to be.

Have a great weekend friends. If there is anything I can do for you, PLEASE...please let me know. A prayer, a hug, a smile, coffee, friendship, a listening ear...I'm here.

XOXO, Kess

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